Lisa Barry: I wonder what people in the year 2000 would call a real man? We'd probably get as many different answers as there are people. But what you're about to hear today is the conclusion of a letter sent in by a changed man. I guess whether he's a real man or not, you'll have to be the judge. It's an amazing testimony that Elisabeth Elliot is going to read for us. So get ready for this Tuesday edition of Gateway To Joy next.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, continuing my talk today on the subject of do you love me? Yesterday I read part of a letter written by a man who had realized how he really did not know how to love his wife.

It was because of the death of one of their children that his eyes were opened to the sorrow of his wife's life, and the things which he had never really understood. He began to pray that the Lord would enable him to learn how to love her. I feel sure that there are some--perhaps men driving trucks today, or farmers, or people who work at home, men in all kinds of different situations--who have a sneaking suspicion that you're really not sure you do know how to love your wife, and you would like to learn.

Well I'm not a man, so I turn to this very wise man, who has given us some excellent advice. "You must be willing to risk rejection when your wife finds that you don't have all the answers and aren't as tough and self-contained as you would like the world to believe. Don't be afraid that revealing your weaknesses and doubts to your wife will cause her to love you less. Remember how she loves the weakness of babies and little children. Weakness melts the hearts of women and enables them to give you the space and the time necessary to grow strong in real virtue.

"It's important that you pause to speak tenderly to your wife and children. Offering them the support and encouragement that only a loving father can give, and that they can receive only from you. Am I offering a recipe that will turn you into a wimp? Here we touch on a tension that penetrates to the very depth of our souls as American men.

"What should a real man be? Strong? Silent? Independent? Dominant? With special privileges because the strongest, and by rights, should rule? Or should a real man be a servant, using his strength not to rule the weaker, but to serve and protect them?

"Here I ask you to look at Mary's husband Joseph as your model. Was he weak? No, he was a laborer--physically and morally strong. Poor, yet independent, able to protect his family from mortal threats, and to care for them under the most difficult of circumstances.

"His daily labor was probably far more arduous than yours or mine. Yet although he was strong, he was not a tough-man--a spiritually hard man. Imagine, for a moment, that you were Joseph. The Christ Child were your foster child. Mary were your wife. How would you bear yourself toward them? Would you remain aloof and distant? Would you swagger? Would you insist that you're the head of the family and that Mary's place is in the kitchen? That her troubles are insignificant compared to yours?

"Or would you treat them with great tenderness and care, seeking to serve instead of to be served. I know what I would do,'' says this man. "Now think about how you treat your wife and your children. Tell me why your wife should be treated with less respect than Mary, or your children with less tenderness than Jesus? Because they are weak and have sinned, is that a reason to scorn them or afflict them? Doesn't weakness and sinfulness call for greater patience rather than less? Your wife and your children depend on you to set the tone for your family and to create an atmosphere of warmth and trust.

"Why should they have to go to their friends for love, comfort or guidance? I tried these methods and they worked. After three years of patience, listening, and growing in Susan's trust--spending literally hundreds of hours talking with her about the deepest and most private aspects of our lives and souls--Susan and I had come to know each other just about as completely as two humans can know each other.

"The love I gave her dissipated her anger, overcame her cynicism, softened her and gentled her so that she was more forgiving of the faults I have. And so that she became available as a sweet refuge for me in my discouragement and despair. Over the months, as the atmosphere of our home changed, Susan grew wise and deep and holy. She became so comfortable in my presence and we came to know each other so well, that often I could merely look at her and know her thoughts. She was 39, and in three brief years we had gone from the verge of divorce to being best friends."

There may be someone listening to me today who is pondering a divorce. You haven't gotten it yet, but you're thinking about it. I have a little book that I would be happy to send to you called What God Has Joined. It's a plea against divorce. It's not for people who have already divorced. It's for those who are thinking about it, as this man was.

"Susan was 39," he goes on to say, "and in three brief years we had gone from the verge of divorce to being best friends. We endured four miscarriages, but finally barely two years ago; Susan delivered a healthy new baby--James Anthony. The long years of pain and suffering seemed over. We felt ourselves to be on the verge of a long and happy marriage. And we looked forward--finally--to being able to raise our children in a family filled with love and peace and holiness.

"Which is why I don't understand the ways of God. Because just then, barely more than a year ago and four months after the baby was born, Susan quite unexpectedly was diagnosed as having terminal cancer. Operated on two days later, she declined rapidly. And just five months ago died at home, holding my hand, surrounded by family and friends.

"The eight months of her suffering and death crowned our, by then, intense friendship and love, drawing us even closer together as Susan grew weaker, more helpless and dependent. It was then that I could show her how much I really loved her, caring for daily, and helping her prepare for the death we saw coming. Throughout those months of increasingly worse medical news, unproductive pills, fruitless operations and ineffective medical procedures, Susan and I grew closer to God and closer to each other and to our children.

"The story of the holiness of her death is very beautiful. I must limit myself to speaking of our life together as it relates to male spirituality. And specifically as it relates to how we men should bear ourselves toward women, especially our wives. And although I'm quite shy, I've told you these details of my own life to serve for you as a promise and a warning. Seven children and a wife just dead, how can I speak of gifts? It's not because I myself am particularly saintly, I'm not. But even a sinner like me would have to be blind not to see the goodness that came out of the tragedies of the last few years.

"Remember the first part of my story, the horrible estrangement that existed between Susan and me? I was given the incredible gift of circumstances, grace, and time to overcome that estrangement. Four short years, in the midst of many painful tragedies and intense personal suffering, time to repair that breach between us, to become my wife's best friend. Time to win her confidence so that she could rest in the shelter of my love when her disease was diagnosed and nestle closer to me spiritually as each dreadful day went by. That is a priceless gift. Time, and desire, and patience, and grace, to learn to love one's wife properly. To have her learn to accept it in absolute simplicity and trust. To have her permit me to suffer her cancer and death with her. It was the greatest joy I have ever experienced.

"I know only a few of you here today," and let me remind you that this was a speech given to a group of men. "I conclude by asking a number of questions. This morning as you pray with us for holiness, how close are you to your wife and family? Remember your children and your wife, who need you desperately. For you are the strongest among them. Carry home with you this question--how close am I to my wife and family? And are there things I can do to become closer? Am I too caught up in the urgent tasks of my life to perform the important ones of caring for those who are my particular responsibility--my wife and my children?

"Finally, let me leave you with another question, but one that I will answer for you. I indicated earlier that my remarks this morning would be relevant not merely to your relations with women and in particular to your relations with your wife, but also to your relations with the rest of your family, with other people, and ultimately with God Himself.

"Let me now show you why that's so. Consider the virtues I have recommended as necessary to a deep relation with your wife--patience, listening, humility, service, and faithful, tender love."

I'll read his list again. "Patience, listening, humility, service, and faithful, tender love."

Lisa Barry: That's quite a list, and one we can all attain to with God's help. Did you ever think that something you heard on today's program might turn out to be a major turning point in your life? It could happen. And we've made a list of the things that listeners have mentioned over the years, things that have helped them through a difficult time or a bit of encouragement. We've compiled many of those quotes and poems in a book called Gateway To Joy: Reflections That Draw Us Nearer To God. The cost is $15.00, and to purchase your copy you can send that amount along with a note to:

Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska 68501. And as always, we have today's program available for you to purchase. For more information call toll-free 1-800-759-4JOY. That's 1-800-759-4569. And if you're on the Internet, be sure and check out our Web site. You'll find our on-line products catalog, upcoming topics, and the booklet that Elisabeth spoke about today called What God Has Joined. That address is gatewaytojoy.org.

Gateway To Joy has been a listener-supported production of Back to the Bible. We thank you for partnering with us as we spread the life-changing message of the Bible to your community. Tomorrow, be with us when Elisabeth talks about truth that can change lives. That's next time on Gateway To Joy.