Lisa Barry: It wasn't until about 1986 that I heard the words "commitment phobic." "What's that," you ask? It's the sort of person who enjoys relationships, even says they plan to marry some day, but circumstance always seems to keep them from doing so. Today on Gateway To Joy, Elisabeth Elliot talks about this relatively new phenomenon. Let's join her now.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." My talk today is from my book Quest for Love, and this is a chapter called "Commitment Phobia." I've begun this chapter with Psalm 37:5-6, "Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, and He will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

A song Rod Stewart sang gives truthful expression to an attitude common to many today. "I don't want to challenge you, marry you or remember you. I just want to make love to you." That's putting it bluntly, isn't it? Love imposes obligations. Making love in the minds of such men and women is a form of recreation. A feeling that may last for a few minutes, even an hour, and nothing more is implied, although much more may be expected. It's a means of self-satisfaction. But to challenge you, to marry you or even to remember you? Ah, there's a catch-22, responsibility. At that, they break into a cold sweat.

To commit oneself to marriage is to give oneself in trust, to put one's life at the disposal of another. It is, in fact, actually to forfeit rights and to consign oneself to the charge of another person. Commitment entails the acceptance of responsibility. It imposes a task and a trust. It's a promise to do something, a pledge to pursue a certain course. To love is to make a commitment. Merely to make love while refusing commitment is a purely selfish act, irresponsible and ultimately destructive.

Another case of commitment phobia comes from a woman whose male friend has sought to keep tabs on her for years, surfacing every so often, dating her when it suited him, telling her she's a wonderful friend and leaving it at that. Her biological clock has been ticking away. Dreams of husband, home and family are fading.

She writes, "I'll give you a little update on what's been happening. He called last month, first time in months. Just wanted to chat. It became pretty obvious early on that I could no longer be interested. He talked about his plans for spring break, work, etc., but there wasn't much to say. And as for the other man I told you about, I don't know. He moves forward and then backward. So as to prevent emotional whiplash, I'm just trying to be consistent in responding when he pursues, but not reacting to his fears or hesitations. He hasn't asked me out. I have never had such difficulty communicating verbally with anyone before, so I'm learning to listen a lot. Why are men so hesitant to initiate? It baffles me. A friend asked me the other day; 'Do you feel a need to rescue the wimps?' I laughed. I don't think my motives are of a rescue nature; I'm only frustrated that men are not being men. Elisabeth, I believe Satan has a stronghold that must be broken by obedience and prayer in the lives of these young men."

There's something for you listeners to think about and maybe do something about. Do you think, perhaps Satan has a stronghold in the lives of many young men today so that they have commitment phobia? It can be broken through obedience and prayer. Will you help them?

My correspondent goes on to say, "When young men do not marry and multiply, new generations are not being produced to proclaim the Gospel until Jesus comes again. When men are not men and women are not women, the mystery of the distinctiveness of our sexes is lost. I believe we should see the image of God in those distinctives. The Christian community has begun to develop an attitude about the family of believers--brothers and sisters in Christ--that veils the wonder of being our Maker's handiwork. Potluck dinners and socials on Saturday evenings allow for 'relationships' to develop, but men don't seem to have the courage to come out of their comfort zones. Women, on the other hand, can satisfy in a measure their inclination to nurture and care for others. The result? Nobody needs to get married."

It's not only men who fear commitment. A missionary woman became engaged to a national in the country where she served. She broke the engagement, went home on furlough, met another man who was on his way to mission work. They became engaged. When he told her he was going to a different country, she broke the engagement and wrote to ask me if I thought it would be best to go back to the first man. What could I say?

There's a strange notion of commitment popular today. The notion of openness and vulnerability. Now there is a place for that, but we need lots of caution. Is it wise, does the Scripture teach us to get deep with each other in groups? To share, to spread out our real feelings in the marketplace, as it were, exposing what we claim is the "true self"? Others, it is thought, may then identify one's strengths and weaknesses so that one can own them.

In another age, this the prerogative of spiritual directors, and properly so. But few of us today have that spiritual luxury. A public emotional and spiritual striptease is not merely embarrassing, at least for the onlookers, but it seems to me that it's dangerous and possibly wrong. To take one's emotions and needs quite simply to the foot of the cross and look unflinchingly at them there usually shows us what we need to know. God may give us a godly helper, a spiritual mother or father, who understands and knows how to pray. Let's be grateful for and pay close attention to what that person says, but let's beware of group intimacies.

John Mallon relates commitment phobia to the present-day culture of pornography. "Most men in our society have grown up with the idea that any form of sexual activity, including promiscuity and masturbation, supported by soft-core pornography, is something good and something healthy. The man begins a fantasy sexual life in his early adolescence with the use of soft-core pornography, such as 'Playboy' magazines. He gets a habit deeply ingrained in his psyche, linking a false idea of female perfection with an ideal fantasy harem. None of the members of his fantasy harem has any qualms about his fantasizing about another woman, and even seem to approve, because that is all the woman's eyes in those photographs ever communicates. She is all-approving, all-understanding, and lovingly naked for him. No one gets hurt or jealous. Hence, he is free always to search for that more perfect woman each month. Translate this mindset, firmly formed and deeply linked, to this man's patterns of needs into the real world of real women and real love affairs. At first, he is all hearts and flowers, candy, cards, presents, dinner and dancing, until she starts to like it and believes he really cares for her. And he does. But can he commit to just one? To her alone? Or is he always scanning the horizon for something, as opposed to someone, better? Is he capable of truly loving a woman, or merely addicted to adolescent romantic fantasy linked to sexual gratification, which is now unquenchable by one woman? He will weep with sincere frustration that she can't tolerate his desire for more and others. He is accustomed to the unquestioning sweetness and acceptance of his paper harem and he genuinely can't understand himself. He feels no guilt over the sense that he is using this real, live woman in the same way. She is fed up; he's in terror--facing more rejection, shame, and terrible loneliness. He doesn't know what happened. He can't help himself. Such is the way of sin."

As the Bible says, "The way of transgressors is hard." John Mallon goes on to say, "A fantasy world of concubinage destroys one's ability to love and creates a cynicism towards trust, which is obviously a necessary component of loving commitment. The so-called sexual revolution has liberated no one, but rather has thrust us deeper into isolation and loneliness and cynicism. Women have paid the highest and most conspicuous price, as they always do when sexual mores are loosened."

Reflect on that. Think about Mallon's analysis of commitment phobia. Maybe you can think of some other causes. Since none of us are invulnerable, what do people mean by the willingness to be vulnerable? Are there some men listening to me today with commitment phobia? May God give you manly courage and a much deeper trust in God's ability to lead you to the right woman at the right time. God bless you.

Lisa Barry: Well, now it's my turn to get behind the microphone and challenge you to commit. Not to me, but to getting your own copy of this series it's called Quest for Love, and I have enjoyed every word. Maybe you know a single person who's on the road a lot or just to busy to sit down and read a book. Having this tape series might be the best way to encourage that friend and meet a need at the same time. We all enjoy material we can relate to--how familiar the stories in this series have been to me! Painfully familiar in some cases. Nevertheless, there's always something new to learn. To get your own copy of this series, or to buy it for someone you know just send $11.50 along with a note to this address:

Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska 68501. That's Gateway to Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska 68501. Or, call toll-free 1-800-759-4JOY. That's 1-800-759-4569. Finally, there's our web address and that's gatewaytojoy.org.

Gateway to Joy has been a listener-supported production of Back to the Bible. Tomorrow, Elisabeth talks about how to determine if a relationship is worth the effort. That's next time on Gateway To Joy.