Elisabeth Elliot: "It's important to remember you are not merely permitting him to be boss. You aren't giving him the privilege, not saying, ?All right. You can drive for a while until I want to.? If it is done that way, then you are not letting him rule, whatever words you use."

Lisa Barry: I think that would be called "pseudo-submission," sort of what we do when we let a child think that he or she is steering the car up the driveway. But as we'll learn today, selective submission is really no submission at all. Stay tuned as Elisabeth Elliot shares more helpful insights from the book entitled ME? OBEY HIM? written by Elizabeth Rice Handford. It's coming up next on Gateway to Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or dismayed." That promise, given thousands of years ago by Moses to Joshua, is for you and me today, and for all who are willing to follow the Lord. The reference to that verse is Deuteronomy 31:8. This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, continuing today with Elizabeth Handford's book, ME? OBEY HIM?

Chapter 5 says, "And What About the Problems?" "'All right,' you may say wearily, 'you've convinced me. I agree that the Bible says I ought to obey my husband. I agree God meant what He says. I agree that I can help my husband by being obedient. But when you get down to the nitty-gritty business of living it, there sure are a heap of problems. Don't I ever get to express an opinion?'

Certainly you get to express an opinion, if you are asked. And if you are a submissive, loving wife, your opinion will be asked. Because he asked for it, he will value it more highly and consider it more objectively. Opinions constantly expressed when unsought have a tendency to sound like criticism. Most of us don't enjoy criticism.

When you're talking over a problem, if it isn't asking too much, try to think reasonably. That sentence sounds as though a man wrote it. Sorry about that. Men think women talk too much about how they feel, rather than considering facts. Sure, it's important how you feel. Can you tell him why you feel that way? For the same reason, try not to bring unrelated problems into the discussion.

Sometimes I hear myself saying, 'But honey, you always do that. Remember back when you--' and I know I've lost it. Try to keep the discussion to the problem at hand and not bring unrelated events from the past. And if you can possibly avoid it (I have to use Scotch tape over my mouth), don't say, 'I told you so.' If events prove right, you can be sure he knows it. If he took a wrong road, when you meekly suggested the other one, don't you know that every turn of the wheel on the way back says its own 'I told you so'? If you keep pushing for an apology, he may remember some times when you were wrong, and you'll lose all your points at that game.

Actually, in a wholesome, working husband-wife relationship, there will be a free flow of ideas and suggestions, some give and take, and some good-natured banter. A wife can tell her husband her reasons openly, frankly, and resort to tears only when really necessary. He, in turn, can express his thinking. They will discuss the pros and cons cheerfully, try to make the decision not on who deserves to win the argument, but rather what is best for this family. She can remind him of anything she feels would help him in making the decision, but both of them know that the final decision is his and that God holds him accountable for it.

You've heard surely about the husband and wife who went fishing. He said, 'Hand me those shears.' She said, 'You mean, "Hand me those scissors."' 'Give me those shears.' 'Scissors?' 'Shears.' Exasperated, he shoved her overboard. As she sank from sight, she held up two fingers cutting the air--scissors.

That has become my private signal to my husband. It says, 'Okay, honey. I give up. You're the boss. I guess I can't win them all.' Please learn from that quaint tale not to die rather than change your mind, but to accept his decisions gracefully.

A sweet example of a wife's quiet contribution to a family problem is found in the relationship of Manoah and his wife, the parents of Samson. An angel announced to the wife that she would have a child. She told Manoah about it, and he told her to let him know when the angel came again. But when the angel did come, Manoah said, 'We shall surely die, because we have seen God.' Her serene response was, 'If the Lord were going to kill us, He wouldn't have taken our offerings and wouldn't have told us about the baby.'" With such quiet reminders, a wife can be a help-meet to her husband.

'But my husband won't take the leadership of our home,' somebody says. Women often complain that the husband will not assume his responsibility as head of the home. He seems to be content to let his wife run things. When God speaks to her heart about submitting and she tries to yield to her husband, sometimes it means a man is reluctant to take charge.

What can the wife do then? It's important to remember you are not merely permitting him to be boss. You aren't giving him the privilege. You're not saying, 'All right, you can drive for a while until I want to.' If it is done that way, then you're not letting him rule, whatever words you use.

Perhaps the husband senses that and is unwilling to undergo the upheaval that kind of decision creates. Your attitude has to be, 'I am taking my proper place. I am going to obey you in everything.'

It's likely if you have been making the decisions for the family that you aren't even aware you do it. You may feel like your husband has full say, that you defer to his judgment. Take a good critical look at yourself. When you're invited out to dinner, who makes the decision? When the children come to request permission to go somewhere, which parent do they ask? These are pretty good indications of who is running the home.

Men hate scenes. They despise confusion and disorder. They will go to almost any length to have peace in their homes. They will let a woman have her way, rather than argue and quarrel. But the price the man has to pay is the price of his manhood.

Before you complain that your husband won't take the leadership of your home, search your heart carefully. Do you really trust his judgment? Are you willing to commit yourself to his decisions? If not, don't complain that he won't lead. For the sake of peace, he may not fight for his authority. Your habit of bossing may be more deeply ingrained than you possibly realize.

Don't mistake a man's gentleness for weakness. Don't mistake a quietly spoken word for vacillation. A gentle man can still lead his home competently, if not as flamboyantly as an aggressive man. And a loving wife who leans on her husband will call forth his strength and manliness.

How can you give the leadership back to him? Admit your failure. Ask his forgiveness. Then, simply give him the chance to make the decisions. Send the children to him for permission. Let him decide when you do what. You realize this won't work, don't you, if he makes a decision and you say, 'What in the world did you do that for?' If you stop bossing the family, he will be the boss automatically.

A friend I'll call Edna learned this, to her genuine surprise and pleasure. She's a strong, big woman, smart, competent, mother of four husky teenage boys. Her husband is quiet and soft-spoken. When she first heard she was supposed to obey her husband, she snorted, 'It won't work.' But the Holy Spirit convinced her, so she said, 'All right. I'll try.'

When the boys would come to her for permission, she would say, 'Ask your father.' When a decision needed to be made about painting the house or buying a new appliance or the 1,001 decisions that have to be made in directing a home, she kept her mouth closed.

Imagine her delight when her husband assumed an interest in the home he had never had before, and guided the family with a sureness she had never seen before. 'It works! I've never been so happy in my life,' she said.

A common area of problem is in family devotions. A family ought, every day, to meet around the Word of God and pray for mutual needs. If the father will not take the leadership about family devotions, should the mother?

A woman could ask her husband what time of day he prefers the family have devotions. Then she could arrange meals, bedtimes, or whatever was needed so the family was organized and ready at the time he set for Bible reading. She can make it as easy as possible for him to say, 'Time for devotions.' If he requires her to lead the family devotions, then she can do it in meekness, always leaving the family circle open for him to come in.

'What if my husband won't actually forbid me to do something, but says he'd rather I didn't?' Remember, we're talking about a heart attitude of submission, not a letter of the law obedience. So you ought not to disobey your husband just because he forgot to say the magic words 'I forbid it.' You won't be looking for loopholes. You will be sincerely trying to please him.

At the same time, if he is unsaved or an untaught Christian, he may not be spiritually minded. 'For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh, but they that are after the Spirit, the things of the Spirit' (Romans 8:5).

You shouldn't be surprised if there are some parts of your life you don't feel the same about. It's almost inevitable that an unspiritual husband would not understand your hunger for spiritual things. He may not be willing to forbid you, but still find your spiritual needs incomprehensible. If he gives you ungrudging permission, then certainly it's right to do it. Even then, it seems to me that a husband ought to feel very sure that he has first place in your heart.

Can the husband be jealous of a wife's love for the church? For the preacher? Certainly. Too often a wife quotes the preacher or the church as the authority in her life. No wonder he feels low man on the totem pole, and jealous of his wife's love of spiritual things."

This is from Elizabeth Rice Handford's book, ME? OBEY HIM? And I will continue my reading tomorrow.

Lisa Barry: The thoughts shared today are so enlightening for me. It's all too easy to undercut the wisdom and authority of our husbands by quoting other people's opinions. In doing so, I'm sure we think we are going to improve our husbands in some way, but we probably only wind up alienating them. And once that starts, it's a downward spiral from there. Let's all aim to take a positive step forward today and encourage our husbands. Let's give them the reins, and not just in verbal consent, but in our actions and respect as well.

I?m sure you?re learning as much as I am in this series, and many of you would like to get a copy of this series for yourself. The title is ME? OBEY HIM? The cost is $11.50. Just send that along with your request to Gateway to Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska, 68501. Or call toll-free 1-800-759-4JOY. That's 1-800-759-4569. To learn more about Gateway to Joy or to order products, you can access our Web site at gatewaytojoy.org. Today's program has been a production of Back to the Bible.

I hope you can join us tomorrow, because we're nearing the end of this all-important series. Don't miss the next installment of ME? OBEY HIM? Right here on Gateway to Joy.