Lisa Barry: All this week on Gateway To Joy Elisabeth Elliot has devoted this 15-minute time slot to question and answer. As you might expect, she gets many letters in the mail asking questions. Sometimes the answers are clearly found in the Bible and other times the answers must be determined through principle rather than direct command. Today on Gateway To Joy she tackles a few issues relating to family life, and the first is birth control. Let's find out what she has to say.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says, "and underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend, Elisabeth Elliot, continuing my talk today of answering questions. I get thousands of letters and many, many questions that come in those letters. And some of them are duplicates, and so I've tried to answer some things, which might be applicable to a number of you.

This one is a case where children are really not wanted. Throughout most of human history, the modern mechanical and chemical means of preventing conception were not available. And women more or less received what God gave them, willingly or unwillingly. Now that technology offers so many choices, what does a Christian do? I don't have a final answer, much less a directly inspired word for anyone. But I suggest the following for your prayerful consideration:

Number one, the first commandment given to Adam and Eve was to be fruitful and multiply. It's clear that marriage and fruit bearing go together in God's mind.

Number two, married couples, within childbearing age of course, must hear God's call to parenthood. They may not opt out of this responsibility to Him, to family, to society and to each other. The sterile couple who may not be able to conceive may certainly consider adopting children, as in yesterday's talk I referred to my dear friends, Bill and Debbie Rettew in Greer, South Carolina. Twenty-eight children, almost all of whom have been adopted.

Number three, to refuse to transmit life is to act against the nature of both man and woman as God designed it and to ignore His plan. In the marvelous physiological mechanisms of the reproductive system, God included a means of contraception, which some call natural family planning.

This differs significantly from the mechanical and chemical means of intervention, in that first of all, it requires the self-control, self-sacrifice and cooperation of both the man and the woman. Thus, instead of being the arbiters of the sources of life, they are the ministers or servants of the God-given means. To me, this is a tremendously important distinction. For the Christian couple then, rather than impeding the natural process is making legitimate use of a divine gift.

Love is the willingness to be inconvenienced. Children are certainly an inconvenience in a great many ways and at nearly all times. Yet it's plain from scripture that fruitfulness is God's call to a married couple. Real love, of whatever kind, always bears fruit. Love means acceptance and acceptance means abandonment, which is the great risk of great lovers. An awesome power is given over, which is the power to hurt. No one in the world has such power to hurt as husband, wife, intimate friend or child. To love is to be vulnerable to that power, which lies in the hands of the one loved.

When a mother and father look into the face of their tiny newborn, they know that that little creature already has the power to rake their souls with pain, a power which grows as the child grows. "A sword shall pierce thine own soul," said old Simeon to the Virgin Mother. To love means to open ourselves to risk and suffering. Shall we shut our doors to love, then, and be safe?

Acceptance of discipleship is the utter abandonment of the disciple, the surrender of all rights to the master. This abandonment in all cases will ultimately lead to perfect joy, but the way to joy is in most cases pain. Through much tribulation you must enter the kingdom, God said. Christ never offered immunity. He asked for trust. Nothing in life calls for a deeper humility, a clearer recognition of our own inadequacies and helplessness, and a stronger faith than the gift of parenthood. It's calculated to put us on our faces in the dust.

One last word to be pondered. I don't pretend to understand it, but surely it touches on the great mystery of maternity in a way, which the Holy Spirit did not explain to us. 1 Timothy 2:15 says, "Woman will be saved through bearing children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness with modesty." I take this to mean at least this much: she's kept in the path of safety, not by taking the offices of men but by performing the functions assigned to women by the Lord Himself. When He withholds the gift of children from a married woman, it is for His own holy purposes and surely He will save her as she fulfills those.

And my dear brother-in-law, Burt Elliot, and his wonderful wife Colleen have been missionaries in Peru, South America, for more than 50 years. It was a great sorrow to them that God did not give them children. But God has given them hundreds, perhaps thousands, of spiritual children as He gave them a work--which required that they be constantly traveling. Six months out of the year in the steaming jungles of the Amazon, six months out of the year in the high, freezing cold of the Andes. Well, they're still there. They're in Peru. They're in a town on the coast of Peru now, but still rejoicing in the Lord and thanking Him for the privilege that He has given them of these children.

Now questions on what does one do with a chaotic home?

Do not despair. Yes, you've made many mistakes and the chaos in your home is the direct result of the failures of you and your husband. But the story is not new. Our adversary, the devil, is continually walking about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. But we have a mighty fortress, a God who loves us and promises to help us. In 2 Corinthians 10, we read, "Though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Jesus Christ has overcome the world. He can demolish the strongholds, which the enemy has established in your home. My great-grandfather, Henry Clay Trumbull, raised eight children. He wrote a book called Hints on Child Training in which he says, "It's a parent's privilege and a parent's duty to make his children, by God's blessing, to be and to do what they should be and do, rather than what they would like to be and do."

I suggest that you call a family council. Gather everybody together. Explain that you and your husband have made some bad mistakes. Confess to the children that you are very sorry about this. You realize you have not created a happy home, but you have now learned something and are going to start over. Then let everyone get down on their knees. Pray for the Lord's forgiveness and ask Him to help you be mothers and fathers as you are supposed to be to your children, and to help the children to do what they ought to do, quickly and cheerfully. And perhaps you might even ask each child to pray briefly.

The next step is to make it clear that you are going to expect your children to obey you. Depending on the ages of the children, you might want to illustrate the necessity of obedience by referring to the coach of an athletic team. He calls the shots. The players do exactly what he says. If they don't, there's no game. Or point to traffic laws, which make it possible for everybody to move in an orderly way. If one person runs through a red light, he could kill somebody.

If you have a child who has reached crawling age but has not been taught the two basic commands, this would be a good place to start setting the example for the whole family. You will speak once in a calm tone of voice, and you will expect the child to do exactly what you say. Of course, this will strike the older ones as ridiculous and impossible, but emphasize that you are quite serious about it because this is what God wants in a Christian family. The parents exercising loving authority, the children submitting to that authority because God's will is a peaceful home. He does not want us to be frustrated to the point of rage every day.

Now here are the two basic commands: come and no. These two words should be taught as soon as the child learns to crawl. The longer this is put off, the more difficult it is to teach it. So try this. Number one, speak his name in a normal tone of voice. Number two, establish eye contact. Number three, issue the one word command calmly, "Come." Number four, do not repeat it. I'll give them to you again. Number one, speak his name in a normal tone of voice, "Jeremy." Number two, establish eye contact; look him in the eye. Number three, issue the one word command calmly, "Come." Number four, do not repeat it.

May God give you grace to train up the child the way he should go. God will give you the wisdom you need each day as you turn to Him for help.

Lisa Barry: As you collect the ideas that you'd like to apply from today's program I hope you're writing them down. The problem is there are so many things to write down that you might miss some. In that case, you might want to consider getting a copy of the weekly tape. This series has been very practical, but then I find that to be true for most of them. If you feel the same way then I'd like to say thank you, because you're probably a regular listener.

That encourages us, because if you're coming back day after day then you're being fed and challenged by what you hear. For that same reason, I pray that you will bless us by offering your prayer and financial support. That's the means God has chosen to keep us on the cutting edge of Christian maturity. Here's our address. Will you write today?

Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, NE, 68501. Or, call toll-free 1-800-759-4JOY. You can also purchase a copy of the book Hints on Child Training. Ask about it when you call 1-800-759-4569. Have you found us on-line yet? You'll find everything there is to know about Gateway To Joy on our Web site. That address is gatewaytojoy.org. Gateway To Joy is a production of Back to the Bible.

Tomorrow Elisabeth concludes this series with an important word for wives, on the next Gateway To Joy.