Elisabeth Elliot: If my husband is not meeting all of my needs, it?s in order that I may turn to Jesus Christ and ask Him to help me to meet my husband?s needs. That should be my concern.

Lisa Barry: I doubt if there's anyone who goes into marriage admitting that they're expecting to have all of their needs met. In fact, they're not even aware of it. But a few weeks after the honeymoon, when the kind gestures of selflessness drop off, it suddenly surfaces that both assumed the other would meet most of their needs. Stay tuned as Elisabeth Elliot talks about relationships. That's coming up next on Gateway to Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: Rex Harrison, in that musical MY FAIR LADY, sang, "Let a woman in your life and your serenity is through. She?ll redecorate your home from the cellar to the dome and go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you."

I?m sure that it is a temptation?perhaps much more of a temptation to women?to redecorate their men than it is men to redecorate their women. But that is also a problem. I?ve talked to a good many men who wish their wives were a little bit more feminine or a little bit more conscious of their looks or their weight or their dress.

Jesus gave three conditions for discipleship. The first is that you give up your right to yourself. The second?take up your cross. Most of us don?t think of our spouses as a cross most of the time, I would hope. But when Jesus said to take up your cross, He was making it very plain that anybody who was going to follow a crucified One?and Jesus was not yet crucified of course when He said this?but this is what is involved. "If you want to be My disciple, then it has to be a daily ?yes? to God. After having said no to yourself, then it?s yes to God. Once you have given up your right to yourself, it?s not a vacuum in your life. Now it is a glad, wholehearted, daily acceptance of this woman or this man."

Abraham was to walk before God and be perfect, but Abraham had to walk with Sarah before God. It?s in God?s strength that I am enabled to walk day by day. But what if my husband or wife is not the solace and the comfort and the companionship that I was expecting him or her to be?

A woman came up to me after a meeting and she said, "What would you tell a young woman, my daughter, who is planning to divorce her husband because he is not meeting all her needs?" Well, I said, "The poor girl! First of all, she must recognize that this is an outrageous expectation. It?s absolutely impossible for any human being to meet another human being?s needs. She is expecting far more of her husband than any husband can possibly give."

I?m sure that all the tremendous avalanche of books on marriage and the multiplicity of marital seminars which are available have done much good, but I think there is also a great danger in thinking that I can expect of this man what so-and-so expects of her husband. You can sit there and listen to Mary tell about what George does for her and scratch your head and think, "Well, John doesn?t do that for me." Then you begin to get higher and higher and more unreasonable expectations. This poor girl had obviously been sold a bill of goods and she had raised her expectations to a ridiculous height in the thought that her husband could meet all of her needs.

If my husband is not meeting all of my needs, it?s in order that I may turn to Jesus Christ and ask Him to help me to meet my husband?s needs. That should be my concern. If love gives up itself and love gives up its rights, then love is concerned for the other person and to meet the other person?s needs. So I am saying yes to this person, with all his failings and peculiarities, and no to myself. This is a lifelong, one-day-at-a-time process. One day at a time, I must learn a little bit more about treating my husband as I would treat Christ. "He that receiveth you receiveth Me."

You chose to marry this person because you loved her. That?s usually the way it works. But now you must love this person because you married her. Every day you must choose to love this person because you married him or her. It is a daily choice. So thank God for this person and remember that it is a lifelong "yes" to the will of God.

The second thing let?s think about?learning to cleave. Jesus said that a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. As we were driving here this morning, a big sign caught my eye out of the corner of my eye. I thought it said, "Marital Arts." I looked again and it said "Martial Arts." Well, there?s only the shift of two letters there. I thought, "Sometimes we treat marriage as if it were martial arts?self-defense." There?s some way of enabling myself to get through this conflict with an enemy. That?s not what we?re talking about. We?re talking about learning to cleave to this person whom I love and whom I chose because I loved.

I have a list of the five major areas of conflict in most marriages, and I think you probably know what they are. Communication seems to be at the top of the list; at least, at the top of women?s list. Money. In-laws. Children. Sex. Now I?m not going to try to deal with each of those in any detail, but let?s just mention this business of in-laws.

If you?re going to learn to cleave to this person that you?re married to, then you must leave your own parents. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize that you have made a break. You have left behind your childhood. You have moved into adult responsibility. Now your first priority is your husband or your wife. When there?s conflict or choices to be made between the parents and your spouse, the spouse must come first.

Our waitress this morning in the motel told us?we were commending her for the wonderful job she was doing, and she said, "They call me Mrs. Wonderful." I said, "Does your husband call you Mrs. Wonderful?" She said, "We?re separated right now." Then she said, "But not for long. He has got to get his priorities sorted out. I am priority number one and our children are priority number two. He thought he wanted to be single again, but he has found out and he is finding out real fast that he really didn?t want to be single. But he has got to learn this before he can come back. But we?ll be back together, I know. I never thought we wouldn?t, but he has got to learn where his priorities are."

That?s a tough lesson, and we all have problems with that, don?t we? I have seen a number of situations where there is a live-in in-law. One spouse, the child of that person, has to make a definite break and realize that the first responsibility is to the spouse. Sometimes the husband must protect his wife from his own mother. That?s a tough thing to do. I?m not going to try to go into that any further. But when you become a man, you put away childish things. You cut the apron strings and you accept the responsibility of a wife.

To cleave means to stick closely, to be united in strong affection, to cling with strong attachment. As the psalmist said, "My bones cleave to my skin." It?s the opposite of split; the opposite of divide or sever. The most shocking revelation comes through discovering that you are stuck with this person?an incompatible person.

Some of you don?t feel this way at all. Some of you would say, "I don?t know what she is talking about. My husband and I are wonderfully compatible. She must have had three terrible marriages." I?m not saying that, but I am saying that there are many incompatibilities between any two human beings.

I just recently read a wonderful story about a missionary in Africa, whom I?ve never heard of before. Her name was Florence Allshorne. She wrote this: "I need God so much here. Everything is so difficult. There is so much ungoodness in everything. I keep reminding myself that I am here for Christ and that all the wild and miserable things, as well as the holy and calm ones, must beat through me if I am to be used at all. I thank God that I am here and that it is not easy. I always wanted that.

My colleague is a dear in some ways, but the matter of fact is that Eganga is a hopeless sort of place." This is where she was working. "My colleague has stuck it. It just happens not to have affected her health, but it has absolutely rotted her nerves and she has the most dreadful fits of temper. Sometimes she doesn?t speak at all for two days. Just now we finished up three weeks with never a decent word or smile.

One day the old African matron came to me when I was sitting on the veranda, crying my eyes out. She sat at my feet. After a time she said, ?I have been on this station for 15 years and I have seen you come out, all of you saying you have brought us a Savior. But I have never seen this situation saved yet.? It brought me to my senses with a bang. I was the problem for myself. I knew enough of Jesus Christ to know that the enemy was the one to be loved before you could call yourself His follower. I prayed in great ignorance as to what it was that this same love might be in me. I prayed as I have never prayed before.

Slowly, things rightened. Whereas before she had been going about, upsetting everybody with long, deep, dreadful moods and I had been going to my school, depressed and lifeless, both of us found our way to lighten each other. She had a great generosity, and I must have been a cruel burden to her, worn out as she was. But I did see that as we two drew together in a new relationship, the whole character of the work of the station altered. The children felt it and began to share in it and to do little brave unselfish things they had never done before."

Now this is a single woman speaking of her single colleague, but it is exactly the principle that we?re talking about here that goes right across the board in every human relationship. If it?s true in any relationship besides marriage, it is most emphatically and necessarily true in marriage.

Lisa Barry: Isn?t it funny how our human nature has to keep being reminded to be unselfish? We have brief seasons of selflessness, but it doesn?t take long before that old nature springs up and demands reciprocity.

Well, if today's talk was helpful to you, I'd encourage you to purchase a copy of this series for yourself. It's a small investment for awesome returns. The cost is $5.00 and you'll want to request the tape entitled LOVE ACCEPTS when you write to us at Gateway to Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska, 68501. Or you can call us toll-free at 1-800-759-4JOY. We can also be reached through our Web address at gatewaytojoy.org. Today?s program has been a production of Back to the Bible.

Tomorrow, be listening when Elisabeth talks about what true love really means. That's right here on Gateway to Joy.