Lisa Barry: With every occupation, no matter what it is, there are joys and difficulties. But not much is said about the role of a pastor?s wife. She is expected to be involved on many levels at the church, and then also manage a family and raise children. Today on Gateway to Joy, Elisabeth Elliot talks again with her daughter, Valerie Shepard, about her experience as a pastor?s wife. But no matter what role you?re playing today, you?ll find hope and strength from this program. Here?s Elisabeth to get us started.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That?s what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, talking again today with my daughter, Valerie Shepard. What is your subject today, Val?

Valerie Shepard: I think we should talk about pastors? wives and their calling.

Elisabeth Elliot: Pastors? wives.

Valerie Shepard: I have a letter that was sent to you back in 1994, quite a long time ago. But I?m sure that there are some pastors? wives who are concerned about these same questions, so I?ll read some of her letter and then talk about it.

"I find that even without a career to compete with, my calling as a full-time wife and mom has plenty of distractions. Running errands, shopping, visiting with my friends by phone can be important and valuable parts of my ministry. But if I?m not careful, they can become terrible distractions from it. Even the normal schedule of our family of eight can be stressful enough at times to drain my energy to the point that I feel I am not meeting their needs very well at all. Especially during the winter, when my energy level drops off a lot, even just getting out to church two times on Sunday leaves me exhausted. And Wednesday prayer meeting saps my strength just as I?m getting it back.

What to do? If I could cut back to one service for a few weeks or a couple of months in winter, I could focus on my family?s needs?homeschooling, meals and a reasonably clean house. Have you any suggestions?"

I would say that if you have children under three, you need to stay at home with them in the evenings. Probably under four. Because they need to go to bed at a reasonable hour. It?s almost impossible to get home before 8:30 or 9:00 when you have a service on a Sunday night or a Wednesday night.

Now here in South Carolina, Sunday night services and Wednesday services are expected and are the norm for almost all the churches. Our particular Presbyterian church doesn?t have a Wednesday service, but I have choir practice on Thursday nights. Sunday night is a normal service, 6:00. Often we don?t get home before 8:00 or 8:30, even though the service ends at 7:00 to 7:15. But because I have children who are almost five and up?I don?t have any children under?it?s possible for me to go to the Sunday night service. And on Thursday nights, I leave my younger ones at home to be put to bed by the older ones.

Elisabeth Elliot: So you don?t need to hire a baby-sitter. Most people would say that the answer to that question is to just hire a baby-sitter.

Valerie Shepard: Some people can?t afford it. I am thankful that I?ve had my older children for quite a few years now, who have been able to baby-sit. Although at least one of my older children just loves to go to anything that?s happening at the church, so she really would prefer not to have to baby-sit on an evening.

But I would say pastors? wives do not need to be at the church every time the door opens, especially when they have younger children. If the energy level is very low during the winter, as this woman says, for her to ask her husband if he could agree happily that she stay at home so that she can get the rest that she needs in order to get up early to start the homeschooling, to plan the meals and clean the house.

As I said, I have done Bible studies off and on over the years. But especially when I had babies under a year, I didn?t try to teach a Bible study. As I said, we do go to a service Sunday nights, but I?m not always coming on Sunday nights to the service, even now as I have older children. I am tired myself sometimes from having company at lunchtime after church. I have asked my husband if that?s okay with him if I stay home with the younger ones. So I don?t go every Sunday night to service. I would say, in general, I?m there most of the time. But every once in a while I miss.

Sometimes people will ask me, "We missed you Sunday night. Is everything okay?" I?ll say, "Yes. We just needed to stay at home." I don?t worry too much about people getting upset with me for not being there.

Elisabeth Elliot: Well, it?s just one of those things that a pastor?s wife has to think about, and you will be criticized for, whatever you do. But as in everything, whether we?re pastors? wives or not, it?s a matter of holding oneself before the Lord. This should be a daily thing. I think early in the morning is the best time. But lay all your desires before the Lord in quiet time in the morning, before the thundering herd comes down the stairs. Ask the Lord?s direction for your day . This is just one of those aspects that you?re being very specific about. What else might you tell us about pastors? wives?

Valerie Shepard: Well, she also asks if I get any encouragement from other people or from a newsletter that is made for wives of pastors or church leaders. She says she does not know of any.

I do happen to know of a newsletter that I have just subscribed to. I haven?t received it yet, but it?s by Jill Briscoe. It?s called "Just Between Us." It?s for pastors? wives and church leaders, so I?m looking forward to reading it.

She says, "Is there any other support for women who are married to Christian leaders?"

I find most of my support and encouragement, first of all, from the Lord, and secondly, from my husband. I?m so thankful that my husband and I have become best friends, if you could put in those terms. We do share everything. We pray together. It?s true, that as you read in that poem, I have seen his weaknesses and his strengths. I have seen him groan. I have seen him rejoice over things happening in the church. I?m at his side. Sometimes I wish I were more at his side?more trying to encourage him.

But there have been women in the churches who have encouraged me with their love, their prayers, little notes. So I?m just very thankful. I would say you?ve encouraged me when I?ve called you on the phone, crying. Usually I?ve been crying about my children. I?m not sure I?ve ever called you about a church problem. But again, the Lord is our strength and the Lord will right things and will give us wisdom, if we truly depend on Him. I think so often women are running to and fro, looking to books, looking to other people for the advice that they need that is simply to be found in their own quiet time.

Elisabeth Elliot: In the Book of James it says, "If any of you lack wisdom." It doesn?t say, "Go to a counselor." It doesn?t say, "Run to your husband?s study, if he is a pastor." The first thing to do is to ask God. "If any of you lack wisdom, ask God, who giveth to all freely, without making you feel foolish." I love that translation. "Without making you feel foolish or stupid." The Lord knows exactly what your situation is.

The majority of our listeners today are not pastors? wives. They?re not pastors. But I hope that you listeners are finding some real meat here that you can get your teeth into. "The Lord God will help you." I love Isaiah 41:10. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness."

Valerie Shepard: One more thing that would help pastors? wives, if they?re not already doing this?if they ever start feeling sorry for themselves because of the lonely position that they?re in, they need to be doing something for someone else in the church. The best way my husband and I have been able to minister together is to have people in our home. That has made a big difference to our Sunday afternoons.

When we were first married, we were still expecting other people to invite us to their homes. We discovered that that wasn?t going to happen, so we started having people in our home. What a joy it was! Hospitality makes a huge difference.

Elisabeth Elliot: I think it?s pretty unusual for a pastor?s family to have guests on Sundays, since that?s the toughest workday that your husband has. I?ve always marveled at the way that you manage to not only go to Sunday school and church, and the children go to Sunday school and church, but then you come home and you have a whole bunch of people in for Sunday dinner. It?s wonderful. It?s a wonderful thing, and I?m thankful for that.

Let?s not lay a guilt trip on the wives who say, "Well, that would be absolutely impossible for us." Some of you have husbands who have to preach two or three times, three or four times, the same day. Certainly that would be impossible. But let none of us who are listening suppose that we are exempt from the rule of hospitality. It is a command. "Use hospitality," as one translation, "without wishing you hadn?t got to."

Val, do you feel as though every single in the house has to be exactly right before you can open your doors to be hospitable to people?

Valerie Shepard: I?m definitely tempted to feel that way, but I have learned over the years to be more and more relaxed. Even my daughters and my husband will say, "Mama, everything doesn?t have to look perfect before everybody comes." You know what?s most important is loving the people that are coming in the door, not whether your house looks perfect. Especially when you have small children, people can?t expect you to have a perfectly beautiful house. But again, hospitality has been a joy.

Even over the past few years we?ve done it less on Sundays, because we?ve felt that our older children needed more of our attention. They enjoyed having some Sundays when nobody was coming over and the whole Sunday afternoon was free to read, take a walk or write letters. So we?re learning. I know there were quite a few years where we felt very, very responsible and burdened that we should do it every Sunday, but we don?t anymore. It?s been freeing to be able to say, "We don?t have to have company this Sunday."

But we?ve tried evenings?Friday evenings?to have company over, even if it?s just for dessert. That?s great. People love to be invited into people?s homes. So if you?re feeling sorry for yourself, the best thing to do is do something kind for someone else in the church or write them a note or plan on having a night where you can visit with them.

Elisabeth Elliot: People make so many excuses for themselves. It?s very easy to make excuses and say, "Well, our house isn?t big enough." Suppose your house isn?t big enough that you can seat ten people at the dining room table. You can sit around in the living room. You can have TV trays or whatever. There are all kinds of ways. I think your suggestion of just having people over for dessert?that?s a wonderful thing. Any way at all in which you can let people know?"We love you. This is our home. We want to share it with you"?is going to be blessed by the Lord.

Well, Val, I do thank you for being with me again, talking yesterday and today particularly about pastors? wives.

Lisa Barry: I?m amazed at how much good information can be included into one 15-minute program. For that reason, I?m sure many of you will want a copy of this one-week series. The title to ask for is FAMLY ALBUM. The cost is $5. You can purchase it any one of three ways.

If you?re on the Internet, you can access our Web site at gatewaytojoy.org. Once there, you can order products, view our online product catalog and find out what program topics are coming up in the weeks ahead. That address again is gatewaytojoy.org. You can also contact us by phone at 1-800-759-4JOY. Finally, you can write to Gateway to Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska, 68501. Today?s program has been a production of Back to the Bible and is supported by listeners like you.

Tomorrow Elisabeth welcomes back her daughter Valerie and a surprise guest. It?s a program you definitely won?t want to miss, so join us then for another Gateway to Joy.