Lisa Barry: All this week Elisabeth Elliot is being joined by her daughter Valerie. Most of us know her as the mother of eight children. But did you know that she?s also a pastor?s wife? She is about to share with us some of the highs and the not-so-highs of such a position. Whether you?re married to a pastor, a businessman or a gardener, you?ll find principles of love that will bolster the marriage bond. Let?s get started with this Tuesday edition of Gateway to Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That?s what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, happy to be talking today in the studio with my daughter, Valerie Shepard. We?ve been discussing what it?s like to be a pastor?s wife. Now I?ve never been a pastor?s wife exactly. I?ve been a missionary?s wife. I?ve been a professor?s wife. I now have a husband who is a wonderful support in every imaginable way to the work that the Lord has given me to do. He also has work that God has given him to do.

There is a poem that I have here written by Theodore Epp, who was the founder of Back to the Bible. Some of you know that Gateway to Joy is under the umbrella of an organization called Back to the Bible in Lincoln, Nebraska. Mr. Epp wrote a poem called "Your Preacher?s Wife."

"There is one person in your church who knows your preacher?s life. She has wept and smiled and prayed with him, and that?s your preacher?s wife. She knows one prophet?s weakest point and knows his greatest power. She?s heard him speak in trumpet tone in his great triumph hour. She?s heard him groaning in his soul when bitter raged the strife, as hand in his she knelt with him, for she?s a preacher?s wife.

You tell your tales of prophets brave who walked across the world and changed the course of history by burning words they hurled. And I will tell how back of them some women lived their lives, who wept with them and smiled with them. They were the preachers? wives."

Valerie Shepard: Well, for one thing, I can say that I?m very thankful to be a preacher?s wife. I even desired to be a preacher?s wife when I was in high school before I met my husband, Walt. It has been a wonderful life. We have been married 22 years, and I?ve learned some things about how to treat or deal with the people in the congregation. I think most of all, most importantly, I?ve learned not to take myself too seriously.

Elisabeth Elliot: That?s a great lesson for all of us, isn?t it? It is easy to take ourselves awfully seriously.

Valerie Shepard: It is very easy to get hurt if we do. It?s very easy to get angry or resentful towards the people whom we think have done us or our husbands wrong. As I said, I?m so thankful. My husband has taught me a lot about generosity and hospitality. He has a huge heart of love for all kinds of people. When I married him, I was quite narrow-minded, quite strict with myself and with him and did not have much patience or tolerance for the faults that I began to find out that he had as we grew in our marriage.

In fact, I like to say that when we got married, I hardly knew that he had any faults, even though I knew I was marrying a sinner, as you had advised us to be careful of and wary of that fact. So it wasn?t until the honeymoon that I saw any sin in him. We had been engaged for 17 months, but we had not been together. We had only seen each other five times during those 17 months, so we hadn?t had much opportunity to see sin.

Elisabeth Elliot: It?s amazing that strange things seem to happen about 24 hours after the wedding ceremony. You?ve just stood in the presence of God and this congregation and you have made some staggering promises. You will love this person; love, honor, obey, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death us do part." Then 24 hours later, you find out that you married a sinner.

Valerie Shepard: Exactly. Well, one of the things, besides taking yourself too seriously, that I wanted to encourage pastors? wives with is the secret of joy and contentment. No matter what kind of church you have, learn to name the things that you?re thankful for, with yourself and with your husband?the things that you?re thankful for in your church. Not just "I?m thankful for my salvation. I?m thankful for my husband. I?m thankful for my health or my children," but specifically starting to name the things you?re thankful for in the people of your church. You could have a teeny church of 20 people or you could have a church of 3,000. It doesn?t matter the size. It doesn?t matter the salary that your husband gets.

But it is absolutely a secret to joy to start saying, "Lord, I?m thankful for this particular group of people, this particular flock that You have given us to serve." I really believe the Lord has shown me that I can be not only joyful, but completely content in the place that God has put me and my husband.

There were many years when I was discontented. I wanted to go to the mission field. I thought the mission field would be much more fun. I thought it would be much easier to raise my children on the mission field, because I had had such an idyllic childhood in the jungle. Of course, I had not experienced the jungle as an adult, as you had. So I thought that having no TV and no roads to drive back and forth on and no telephones?it would be wonderful to be able to raise my own children in such a simple way.

But it was probably six or seven years ago that I realized that the Lord wanted me to learn to be completely happy in California, to be completely content to be there. The first four or five years that I was there, I kept thinking, "Surely the Lord is going to move us on pretty soon to greener pastures," to a place where I thought it would be so much easier to raise my children. I thought it would be easier to be a witness to Christ than it was to be with Californians.

The Lord helped me to see that I was to consider that particular place as a place of privilege?that the people that we knew in our church as our flock were people that God had gifted us with or had given us. I began to start asking the Lord to help me to love them without condemning them, to help me to not be critical towards them. Help me to be thankful, first of all, for them, and then to ask Him for ways that I could show them the love of Christ.

Elisabeth Elliot: Just think of how God, in His inscrutable sovereignty and wisdom, has put those people together, has chosen them specifically to teach you a whole lot of lessons. It is the given of your life, isn?t it? I?ve spoken probably a number of times on this program about the givens and the not givens. I?m so glad that you?ve pointed out that it?s very easy to be tempted to wish that there were maybe a different crowd of people or a different size church or a different salary or whatever it is. Yet contentment is a very important grace that we have to trust God to give us. But we have to be willing.

Valerie Shepard: Absolutely. It says, "Godliness with contentment is great gain." I have wanted over the years, as we?ve been married 22 years?I?ve wanted to grow in godliness. I have worried that I wasn?t growing in godliness. But I found out that the more I focused on what God?s gifts were and who He was, rather than on the things that I didn?t have or the things that I wanted more than even godliness, I found that I was a much happier person if I focused on Him and who He was and what He had given us. Just as you said?the particular mix of people, the flock that He had given us.

So I began to tell the congregation, especially the women, at different times, how thankful I was that we were there and how I loved them. It made a huge difference in their response towards me.

I have taught Bible studies off and on in the church. Because I have eight children, I have?at least in the last seven or eight years?more and more taught less, because I had more children and more babies. But during those Bible study times, I was able to say at different times, "I?m so thankful that the Lord brought us here."

As my husband and I would talk about our congregation, we could even exhort each other to think of these people as gifts to us and pray for them. Again, there is another secret to learning to love people. It?s to pray for them.

Elisabeth Elliot: One thing that I think must be extremely difficult for a pastor?s wife is to know how close you can get to women in the church. Women of course are so prone to jealousy. If they love you?if the whole congregation loves you?then one would want to be a closer friend to you than you might be able to offer.

Valerie Shepard: Right.

Elisabeth Elliot: Can you speak to that? Have you had difficulties with that?

Valerie Shepard: Yes. It was up until that time that I felt the Lord was showing me that I needed to be thankful for the privilege of being there?up until that time, I was really afraid to be close to anyone in our congregation, because I had been told by an older pastor and his wife that a pastor?s wife really should not have a close friend in the congregation. If she had a close friend outside of the church, that would be okay, as long as the people in the congregation didn?t see that she was spending a lot of time with that close friend.

Well, of course, the more children you have, you don?t have a lot of time to spend with close friends. But when I began to say, "Thank You, Lord, for this group of people," I began to get closer to some of the women. Naturally, people who had more children or who were homeschooling became closer friends, because we had so much in common.

But I would say just as a bit of advice to young pastors? wives to be careful and to be wise with whom you do open up to. I don?t think there?s anything wrong with being close to someone that you would respect in their own spiritual maturity. But we would ask our husbands, "How much time do you want me to spend with this lady?" Just ask for the Lord?s wisdom.

Elisabeth Elliot: Thank you, Val. I?ve been talking with my daughter, who is a pastor?s wife. So she knows a whole lot more about these things than I do.

Lisa Barry: I always enjoy these visits with Val, because she is so transparent. I wonder how many of you knew that Elisabeth?s book, LET ME BE A WOMAN, was written as a wedding gift to Valerie. If you?re looking for something that will reinforce a biblical concept of true femininity, you?ll love this book. The cost is $15.50.

If you?d like to purchase it, you can send that amount, along with a note, to Gateway to Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska, 68501. Or call toll-free: 1-800-759-4JOY. Don?t forget to visit our Web site. It?s changing all the time to serve you better. Gateway to Joy is a listener-supported production of Back to the Bible.

Valerie will be back again tomorrow to talk more about what it?s like being a pastor?s wife. That?s next time on Gateway to Joy.