Elisabeth Elliot: You who are my age or younger, but old enough to help young people, I think we have a responsibility to try matchmaking.

Lisa Barry: Now there's something you don't hear every day. But is it so far-fetched? If you look at the dating habits of young people today, it doesn't take long to see how messed up things are. Girls will flaunt their bodies in anything that will attract attention, and guys will enter relationships for the sole purpose of physical gratification. It's a far cry from the pure, loving and endearing attraction that God intended.

Today on Gateway To Joy, Elisabeth concludes our week-long series by laying out the high cost Americans have paid for individualism. Here's Elisabeth to get us started.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, talking with you again today about the strange things that have brought courtship almost to an end.

Men and women are paying a very high price for their individualism these days. My mail is full of sad stories. Again and again, I get a letter something like this. "I met a man in college or I met a man on a mission trip or I met a man on my summer vacation. He was really, really nice. He was really neat. We just had so many things in common. We went out and we liked to do the same things. We went to the same movies. We'd go out for dinner. He would call me. Then every once in a while when I was expecting him to write or call, there would just be this long silence. I don't know, Mrs. Elliot. Tell me what I should do. Should I write to him or should I try to call him? Maybe I could just call him up and just ask how he is doing or something like that. Would that be okay?"

Of course, my Mama was very strict and said, "No, you don't chase boys. You keep them at arm's length."

Well, it was very enlightening as I was rereading some old Russian classics-I was reading one of Chekhov's stories. He tells there about a girl who lived somewhere in the country in Russia. The young man, who was sort of the caretaker of the place, caught her eye. She was only a maid or a helper of some sort. But this young man had a certain amount of authority. But he was very good-looking, and the usual story-he took an interest in this girl. The girl responded. He let it be clearly known that she was just a friend of his. He was not in any way courting her.

But any of us could have guessed what would happen. Her heart became involved. She began to find herself becoming more and more interested in this young man, hoping against hope that he would someday show an interest in her. In fact, it became almost an obsession with this girl, whose name was Verotchka.

Finally, she heard the bad news that this young man was going to be leaving this farm where he was in charge. He was going to the big city, Moscow or someplace. So very likely she would not see him again.

But on the last evening before he was to leave, they fell into conversation and he spoke to her very kindly and politely about how he had noticed her. He appreciated the friendship that they had had. Now he was being moved to a higher position and he was very excited about this and very grateful. He hoped that someday their paths might cross again.

Well, they went out for a walk. They walked and the moon shone and the girl could hardly think of one single thing to say, because she was so utterly devastated that he was leaving. When she was about to say good-night, the man sensed that there was something the matter. Finally, he asked her. He said, "What is it? What is it that's bothering you?"

She said, "Oh, it is so terrible. I cannot tell you." He said, "Surely there must be something I can do to help. Tell me what it is." There was a long, thunderous silence, as they stood there with the smell of the roses and the moon shining.

She, in an agony of indecision, hoping that she would be able to say what she wanted to say or be able to just refuse to say it, she finally said to the man, "It is so terrible, but I love you." This is the very interesting statement. "She, having avowed her love and cast forever away her woman's enhancing inaccessibility, seemed smaller, simpler and meaner."

The young man had been thinking in his own mind that perhaps this was a possible wife for him. He was not yet ready to propose. But when she took the initiative and avowed her love, she thereby cast forever away her womanly enhancing inaccessibility. So in the young man's eyes, she seemed smaller, simpler and meaner.

In polite society, at the beginning of this century, our grandfathers came a-calling and a-wooing at the homes of our grandmothers under conditions set by the woman, operating from strength on her own turf. A generation later, courting couples began to go out on "dates" in public, and increasingly on the man's terms, given that he had the income to pay for dinner and dancing.

Especially after the war, going steady was a regular feature of high school and college life. The age of marriage dropped considerably. High school and college sweethearts often married right after or even before graduation. This was certainly true in my generation. I graduated from college in 1948. I did not marry until I was about 26. Practically all my friends had married before that.

Finding a mate, no less than getting an education that would enable him to support her, was at least a tacit goal of many a male undergraduate. Many a young woman, so the joke had it, went to college mainly for her M.R.S. degree.

In other respects as well, the young remained attuned to the claims of real life. Opportunity was knocking. The world and adulthood beckoned, and most of us stepped forward into married life, readily, eagerly, and truth to tell, without much pondering. We were simply doing what our parents had done; indeed, what all our forebearers had done.

When my father was invited to the home of a rather wealthy lady, he looked across the table at the other guests and he picked out one very lovely dark-haired girl. She caught his eye. It wasn't very long after that that the same wealthy lady invited a group of young people to Maine, where she had a summer home in Castine. My father was one of the earlier arrivals. He was standing on the dock with the hostess when the boat came, the island boat. When the boat docked at the island, down the gangplank came this same charmingly beautiful dark-haired girl that he had noticed at the lady's home earlier that year.

My father made up his mind as she walked down that gangplank that he would ask her to marry him. He didn't waste any time. I think they were there maybe Thursday to Sunday. On Saturday, he asked my mother to go for a walk. She said, "Sure." She rounded up all the rest of the crowd, and they all went for a walk.

The next morning, Sunday, my father asked if he could take my mother to church. She consented and did once again what she had done the day before. She rounded up everybody else and they all went to church together. In desperation, that afternoon he asked my mother if he could take her to church alone.

My mother was thinking, "What in the world is the matter with this man? Why alone? What could he possibly want?" Now can you imagine the naivete of my mother, but nevertheless she had no inkling that he was interested in her. But she consented anyway. They went to church. On the way home he said, "Will you marry me?" Just like that.

Courtship has ended. Men and women are paying a high price for their individualism. What I would like to offer by way of tiny suggestions-Keep your hands off, keep your clothes on and stay out of bed. That is the basic.

"Now come on, Mrs. Elliot. Are you going to tell us that it's a sin to hold hands?" I'm going to say, "No." I'm not going to tell you that it's a sin to hold hands, but I'm going to ask you, "Why do you want to?"

Are you excited about shaking hands with the minister at the door of your church as you depart? Certainly not. Do you find it thrilling to kiss your grandmother? Certainly not. But if you find yourself in a dark place with a member of the opposite sex who is very attractive to you, you like to hold hands. In fact, that's just the very beginning. It's the first touch. What happens next? Then there's a squeeze. Then there's a hug. Then there's a kiss. Then there's another kind of a kiss. You know what happens after that.

The sad, tragic letters that I have received because young men and women have bought Hollywood's rules-"Do it. If it feels good, do it. Don't let anybody tell you what to do. Women, you have just as much right to propose to the men as the men have to you." It's no wonder that the men are waiting until they're 30 and 40 years old because they're fleeing from these aggressive women. Like Verotchka, they become somehow smaller, simpler and much less interesting. It's tragic.

You who are my age or younger, but old enough to help young people, I think we have a responsibility to try matchmaking. In a Christian church, there ought to be older men and older women who are counseling with the younger men and women who are counseling with the younger women. Why should it not be that these older men and women might have a few sensible suggestions as to whom a young man might marry? They might be instrumental in bringing them together.

Growing in Christ-a solemn responsibility laid upon parents' in today's world. You older ones-teenagers and beyond-you are responsible before God to grow in grace. I want to encourage you by giving you Deuteronomy 31:8: "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee by the right hand of My righteousness."

Lisa Barry: That's a great challenge for all of us. Well, I hope today's program has given you a new goal to shoot for. If you or someone you know is in the dating scene, get a copy of Elisabeth's book, Quest for Love. You'll find stories of triumph and tragedy that will guide your plans and your heart. The cost is $14.50. You can send that amount to Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska, 68501. Or call toll-free: 1-800-759-4JOY. Or a third option is our Web site. It can be found at gatewaytojoy.org. Today's program has been a production of Back to the Bible, and people like you make it possible.

Monday Elisabeth asks the question, "Who is ready to be a disciple?" Are you? Find out more next time on Gateway To Joy.

Portions of this radio program were drawn from an article by Leon R. Kass, "The End of Courtship" from The Public Interest, Winter 1997, pp. 39ff.

* Paraphrased from The Chorus Girl and Other Stories by Anton Chekhov, translated from the Russian by Constance Garnett. New York: The Macmillan Company, March, 1920.