Lisa Barry: Have you ever known someone who started dating a guy and everyone said he was wrong for her, but it fell on deaf ears? She thought everyone was against her. Like Romeo and Juliet, they fought for their love in secret. They had only each other. Maybe they even married. But then, everything started to fall apart. They couldn't get along. They couldn't manage their finances. And their undying love began to die. It's an all too common sight. But today on Gateway To Joy, Elisabeth Elliot talks about why it's important for us to wait for God's timing and God's choice. Let's get started.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend, Elisabeth Elliot, continuing my talks today on the book Quest for Love. As I said yesterday, it's not my purpose to propagate mere Elisabeth Elliot opinions. Of course, you do get quite a few of those on this program, but I hope that it's clear enough that some of them are mere opinions, and I hope most of the things I say are biblically provable. I want to point not only to the Bible, but to the God of the Bible, to His unchanging Word and to principles of holiness.

Yesterday I read several stories from men and women who had the experience of falling in love when they thought they were just friends. As almost invariably seems to happen, when two people say that they are just friends, one or the other manages somehow to fall for the other person. And then where are they?

Well, here's another story. "Our eyes often met across the office where we worked. One day Jerry came by my desk and asked me to go to coffee break. Of course, I was delighted. He is nice-looking, polite, not the sort of guy that comes on strong with all women. He seemed even a little shy. Reserved is a better word. Over coffee, we found out we were both interested in working overseas, teaching English as a foreign language or something. I found myself thinking about him a lot, wondering if we could be friends. I know you don't have time to read long stories, so I'll skip a few months.

"There were a few coffees and we went to the mall one time so I could help him buy a present for his mom. By this time, we'd found out we were Christians." I would hope it wouldn't take them very long to find that out. It sounds as though it took a little while. "We found out we were Christians and both of us were interested in doing work overseas. I was really shocked when he told me that he was going to be a missionary. I ended up helping to support him and his partner for the three months that they were over there. So I would write to them, both of them. I didn't want Jerry to think anything. He wrote back once, asking me if I had any plans for overseas. So when his term was up, I thought he would call me to talk about it, but he didn't. I waited a while, thinking it was not my place to call him. But then I called his roommate, and Jerry answered. I felt embarrassed, because I really didn't want to be interpreted as calling him." Interesting, isn't it? She wanted to call him, but she didn't want to be interpreted as calling him.

"But I asked him about the summer, the work and all. Then I didn't hear anything, until someone told me he had been sick. I wondered if there would be anything wrong with calling him just to find out how he was doing. It took me a while to resolve to call him, to tell myself why I was doing this. I guess the final reason I called was because I asked myself this question, if it had been anybody else you had known who was sick, would you have called? The answer was, 'yes,' I would call. So I did. I think he appreciated it.

"I want to be an encourager, a prayer supporter. He has never expressed any romantic feelings for me at all. In fact, all he ever wrote was a note at the bottom of the form letter he sent out to his supporters, warm and friendly and not romantic in any way. I guess what I want to ask your opinion on, is what I do with these unruly feelings of mine, which I really have a difficult time explaining. But I'll try to spell it out for you as plainly as I can.

"First, I deeply respect and am encouraged by Jerry's commitment to God. Second, I want to be excited for him in his personal life, even if he dates and marries another girl." Now do you believe that? Do you find that really honest, open and above board? I find it kind of hard to believe. She goes on to say, "I want to rejoice, because I know those two will be a dynamite team for Jesus. Deep in my heart, what I want is to see Jerry continue to be used by God to reach people with the saving message of the Gospel. I don't want my feelings or desires to ever question or demand of God what I think I would like to see. God knows what is best. Third, I wanted to write Jerry back right away, but I think that's too forward. So I wrote, didn't date my letter, and resolved to wait for two or three weeks before I mailed it. Fourth, when he wrote to say he is joining the mission full-time, I found myself saying, 'Lord, he's the one. I'll take him. Thank you,' because that kind of ministry has been where my heart is. Fifth, in my limited scope of vision, I see absolutely no way to get to know him. I will be in California for at least two more years. So I wonder, am I frustrated, am I hoping? I guess what I would like is to know him better, but to maintain a brother/sister relationship. I want to come across as a sister, and that's what I want to be."

I think this woman is trying desperately hard to convince herself that that's what she wants to be. But you and I would be strongly inclined, I think, to doubt it. An attractive man, a woman who finds him attractive, a woman whose heart is where his is on the foreign mission field, does she really want to come across as a sister? Is the one thing she wants to maintain a brother/sister relationship?

She goes on to say, "Should I keep on writing? How can I encourage and not manipulate? What needs can I meet, or that the Lord would have me meet here in California?" The hope for a husband is obvious, clear as the sky. "I'll take him," she says. The frustration follows inevitably. "I want to maintain a brother/sister relationship." The duplicity is obvious.

Now I've added some questions at the end of each chapter, or some things to ponder. Sometimes they're questions; sometimes they're statements. These are the statements that go along with the two chapters that I've read yesterday and today. "When two adults date for two years, it can be habit forming. Note the result in the first story of yesterday's chapter. Consider this. A certain pattern often seems to emerge when a man and woman claim that they are 'just friends.' Describe the pattern."

I would imagine that I have quite a few people listening to me who can very easily describe that pattern. They tried it too. It worked for a while. They had fun. They got to know each other. Very likely, they began emotional intimacy, or what I sometimes call emotional striptease. The woman is often encouraged by the man to tell him how she feels about almost everything. Then he knows a whole lot more about her than she knows about him. A woman who is asked questions like that or asked to reveal her emotions ought to say to the man, "Why do you ask?"

Next, "Discuss the statements 'I didn't want Jerry to think anything' and 'I really didn't want to be interpreted as calling him.' If you were Jerry, would you think anything? How would you interpret the call?" I meet so many young men and women, healthy, godly, earnest, dedicated young men and women, who are in what we might call a quest for love. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Let me make myself as clear as I can. It is a God-given desire that a man should want a wife and that a woman should want a husband and that both should want to establish a home and have children in God's time. That is a reasonable and entirely understandable desire, which I think is the desire of just about all of us. Yes, we do meet people from time to time who say that they're not at all interested in marriage. The chances are that in a case like that they're getting everything they want without the commitment of marriage. It's sad that we live in that kind of a culture, where anything and everything is available without paying the price of commitment.

But the great thing is to ask God to enable you to keep your mind on the job that He has given you to do today and that in His time He will lead you to the right husband or the right wife. God does know how to do that, and He doesn't have to resort to dating. Do you realize that dating is a relatively very recent phenomenon? In my mother's day, my father certainly could not take her out on a date, to a concert or a meal, without a chaperone. When my father courted my mother, he had to go and sit in the living room of her home and they had to sit a reasonable distance apart. Are you willing to let God lead you in your quest for love? Willing to wait for the one God chooses? Willing to make that step of faith, that commitment which is for life?

Lisa Barry: I hope today's program has helped you renew your commitment to wait for God's timing in your relationship. Maybe you know someone who's struggling in their quest for love. More than likely you've noticed how much that person appreciates it when you take the time to listen or offer your support. Well, I have to say that we at Gateway To Joy feel the same way when you take the time to jot us a note to say, "Keep up the good work." And the gifts you send literally bridge the gap for those listeners who would like to give, but aren't able to do so. Here's how to contact us, and we thank you in advance for your generosity. Here's our address:

Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska 68501. That's Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, Nebraska 68501. Or call toll-free 1-800-759-4JOY. That's 1-800-759-4569.

Gateway To Joy has been a production of Back to the Bible. The quest for love continues on Monday. So make it a point to join us then for another Gateway To Joy.