Lisa Barry: For the next two weeks on Gateway To Joy, we've got something very special planned for you. We'll be airing some of the most popular programs from the last 12 1/2 years of Gateway To Joy. It'll be a chance to reminisce, find encouragement and get a glimpse at the powerful legacy that Elisabeth Elliot has left for Christian women.

Today, Elisabeth talks about women who initiate in relationships and what it may do to a potential relationship. So let's get started with this Monday edition of Gateway To Joy.

Elisabeth Elliot: "You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says, "and underneath are the everlasting arms." This is your friend Elisabeth Elliot, talking with you today about "When Women Initiate."

And this is a chapter from my recent book called Quest for Love:

In Isaiah 3:12, 16, we read, "Youths oppress my people, women rule over them. O my people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path...'The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes."

"A movie that's being filmed as this chapter is being written deals, according to the newspaper, with sexual of harassment of men by women. A certain pair had long been lovers. Now she is his boss. Despite his having a wife, the sexually aggressive boss plots to get him horizontal again. The fact that this scenario arouses more discussion than the reverse only indicates that society in general finds it somehow a bit more bizarre and amusing."

If we were interchangeable, it wouldn't be bizarre and amusing, would it?

"Even some of those who claim equality of the sexes, and would sneer at the idea that casual sex is wrong, may still feel that men, not women, ought to be the wooers."

But I'm very aware of the fact that there are many women today who feel very strongly that they ought to be, or at least can be, the wooers.

"This is not a book about marriage. It is about approaching marriage. The way of a man with a maiden ought to take into account the differences between men and maidens.

"God created Adam first. Then, seeing the one thing that He labeled 'not good' in His

creation--that the man should be alone--He created a creature marvelously like and marvelously unlike that man.

"She [Eve] was made for the man [Adam].

"She was made literally from the man ('bone of his bone').

"She was brought to the man.

"She was named by the man.

"Wasn't she 'equal' to the man? Yes--in three specific ways:

"Both were made by God.

"Both were made in the image of God.

"Both were placed under moral responsibility.

"But the two are also notably 'unequal' and, as I see it, gloriously unequal. Men and women are not meant to be competitive but complementary. Have you ever watched a man and a woman waltzing? Lars and I did. We were in Vienna and we watched a professional pair of dancers. What beauty! What grace! What harmony and complementariness! What a lovely paradigm of graceful rule and glad submission! If the woman had suddenly made up her mind to lead, the whole thing would have been hideously botched....

"Note what happens when women take the lead in the following stories:

"'Six months after receiving Christ as my Savior, I found myself strongly attracted to a single man in my church. So I called up one of the pastors I was close to and asked him how I should handle it. I knew that there was a difference between the world's ways (the ways I had been living for 23 years) and God's ways.

"'Oh, how I wish that he had given me your advice, but instead, after my feelings had continued for a month, he told me I should let the young man know about them. Big mistake. Three other pastors at the church had given me the same advice, saying, "If I were a single woman, I would do so-and-so." But they are not women! Now I live with the consequences of a strained relationship with a man who I see quite often because we go to the same church and we have the same friends.

"'Yuck! I wish I could move to the other side of the world....'

"The author of a book with a title something like Instant Rapport appeared on a television interview. Although she gave her theories a more respectable name she was in fact lecturing women on how to flirt (as if the daughters of Eve lack that skill!). How many sensible women can swallow advice that tells them to 'ascertain attraction strategy,' use 'representational' language ('when I see you I hear a voice inside me that makes me feel we could make it together'), and establish 'sensory communication,' which can be done by 'mirroring,' i.e., copying body movements. That women will flock to hear that sort of twaddle and solemnly gulp down such instructions shouldn't surprise us, I suppose. As G. K. Chesterton observed, 'When people stop believing in God they don't start believing in nothing--they'll believe in anything.'

"Another letter, from another state, another girl, 'second verse, same as the first!'

"'I love (or think that I love) an incredible man of God. I was immediately attracted to him, not only for his physical appearance, but for his character and most importantly his faith-filled life. I could see the presence of the Lord in him. The weekend after the retreat I traveled home from college to make one of the seemingly fatal mistakes that you describe in your book.'"

And she is referring to my earlier book, Passion and Purity. She says:

"'I came forward with my feelings.'

"Then followed a 'friendship' which 'intensified.'

"'Both he and I were initiating....I struggled through the fall but in November I asked him where we stood. He told me he was attracted to me but was choosing not to have sexual feelings for me. The door was not totally closed, he said, but chances were good that his feelings would not change.'

"This hapless girl, torn to bits emotionally, hopeful for love, earnest about wanting to please God, suffers as do so many these days, in ways which I believe are unnecessary. The risks of falling in love are, of course, not new, but the loss of form in courtship is new. Nobody really knows how to behave. How much of her suffering might have been avoided if she had not come forward with her feelings in the first place."

My mother said, "Keep them guessing." And I'm sure my mother did not mean string them along, say things that aren't true, but just keep your own counsel, maintain a certain distance and reserve. I was thankful that this young woman, whose letter I have just read, did make a wise choice in the end, as her last paragraph tells us:

"'I have been trying to get rid of the feelings, hoping that our friendship could be platonic. Now, instead of praying that these feelings be taken away, I realize that this struggle to make the Lord the focus and center of my life is invaluable and that these feelings are not innately bad. What I do with them is the problem....I have begun to feel that maybe I should simply withdraw totally from this relationship. I wonder if maybe I have let my feelings and preferences override the Lord's plan for me. I would like to be able to say, "Lord, Your will be done." But my passion seems to get in the way. My decision seems to be whether I should continue the relationship or pull out--either with or without an explanation--and then put my energy into dying to myself and relying completely on the Lord Jesus Christ.'"

Another woman writes:

"'Thank you for reinforcing my already held belief in the need for men to initiate. Deep inside I have always felt bugged by eager females who take action into their own hands. To bear the thought of never knowing if he would have pursued me seems awful! Now, I will wait.'"

And now here's a 30-year-old who has been married to a most wonderful man for four years:

"'I attribute the success and joy of our relationship to my early Christian training by my parents, and most of all, to my exposure to [certain] books in my early twenties.

"'When I met Dale I was so tempted to chase him--for it seemed he did not notice me for the longest time. For two years I was his friend and never let him know I had any feelings for him. I even had to stand by in silence as he dated my roommate for a few months. But the principles I learned from those books were ingrained in my heart and I determined that I wanted him ONLY if he fell in love with me on his own, with no external prompting. My internal struggle was intense, but I finally gave Dale up on the altar of my heart.

"'When he did initiate a courtship with me I was more shocked than anyone. Later he told me he was attracted to me because of the character, high standards and self-respect he saw in me. During our courtship we maintained strict rules about physical contact. The result is a marriage solidly built on trust and mutual respect. We have no regrets, no shame. Our relationship is so joyful!

"'I know you receive many letters from those who received your advice too late. I thought you might like to hear from someone who received it at just the right time.'

"There are men who are delighted to have women come after them." I know that. "They have hesitated to initiate for one reason or another, or perhaps had not even noticed the girl who noticed them. Letters of protest to the principle of a man's being created to be the initiator will not surprise me. I stand by the principle."

Lisa Barry: Well, I hope you have enjoyed today's talk as much as I have. And even though I'm already married, many of the same principles apply, just with slight variation. Even a marriage should maintain some mystery and intrigue. And that's the beauty of the book Quest for Love--everyone who reads it will come away with some different application, unique lesson or reminder. Get the book for yourself or for someone you know, but Quest for Love is a must-read.

And now, in honor of the legacy of Gateway To Joy, I'm happy to tell you that we're making this two-week series called "The Best of Gateway To Joy" available to you. As we near the end of this wonderful program for women, I know you're going to want to take a piece of it with you. Well, the best way to do that is to secure your own copy of this series that includes the most popular programs we've aired. Again, the title to ask for is "The Best of Gateway To Joy." We're making this series available today for a suggested donation of $8 or more when you contact us to request it.

Call toll free 1-800-759-4JOY. We're also making the original series called "Quest for Love" available, so be sure to ask about it when you call 1-800-759-4569. Or, you can write to us at:

Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, NE 68501. That's Gateway To Joy, Box 82500, Lincoln, NE 68501. Or on the Web, type gatewaytojoy.org. Gateway To Joy has been a production of Back to the Bible.

Tomorrow, Elisabeth talks about people who are afraid of the big C--commitment! Learn more next time we meet for Gateway To Joy.