Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager: How to find and build true relationships in a selfie-centered world.

A few years ago, my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It wasn’t cancerous, but it was beginning to cause frequent seizures that were becoming more and more dangerous. The doctors wanted to operate and remove it, but there was one large problem: the tumor sat right on her brain’s speech center. Any operation to remove the tumor might compromise her ability to speak, read, write, and communicate as she had always done. At just 22 years old, the thought of this happening was unthinkable.

Through several years of studies, medications, trials, and different doctors, the medical team finally arrived at a treatment plan in 2024 that would involve two intensive brain surgeries over a seven-day period. She would be hospitalized for several weeks, and the surgery still had risks of compromising her ability to speak.

Over those next two weeks, I witnessed something extraordinary. Every evening when I would go by the hospital to visit her, the hospital room was often crowded. Each day brought in a new group of people – friends, family, fellow church members, and even people driving long distances just to show up and be present. The surgery went so well, with only minor speech complications. Even after she came home, she was consistently visited by a hoard of people bringing food, stuffed animals, cards, etc. Even today, I still have people ask me how she is doing and letting me know that they had been praying for her.

“Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”

In recent months, I’ve seen this quote permeate social media. Having been a church small groups pastor for much of my adult life, I can attest that the epidemic of loneliness has never been more present than in today’s post-COVID, digitally connected, and instant-gratification focused world.

God designed each of us to dwell in community. We are designed to build and sustain real, authentic, and life-giving relationships with one another. One of God’s earliest pronouncements regarding mankind in Genesis was “it is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Unfortunately for us, we’ve unintentionally created a world that makes it wildly easy to isolate ourselves, and incredibly difficult to connect deeply with others.

Just a decade ago, when you would need a ride to the airport, chances are that you would phone a friend, neighbor, or relative to take you and pick you up when you returned.

However inconvenient, that friend would often show up and spend hours out of their day ferrying you to and from your destination. Today, we have Uber, Lyft, and many other options that make it far more convenient than calling on a loved one. Similarly, when you wanted to check in on someone you had to either pick up the phone and call them or set up a time to see them face-to-face. Now, we can just hop on Facebook, Instagram, or another form of social media to see what they are up to.

What I have witnessed more than anything on this topic is not that people don’t desire authentic relationships, but they either simply don’t know how to build them or don’t want to be an inconvenience to others. Here is the reality: Building true, authentic relationships takes time, intentionality, and effort.

So how can you start building better relationships and become a better villager?

1. Show up for people first.

   This is going to sound obvious, but the single best way to build great relationships is to simply show up. Birthday dinner? Be there. Someone had a loved one pass away? Call and pray with them. A couple welcoming a new addition to their family? Show up with a meal in hand. Send an unexpected text to someone encouraging them or letting them know you’re thinking of them.

   
   

   What do all these things have in common? They require time, intentionality, and effort just like anything else that is worth doing.

2. Understand what “protecting your peace” really means.

   One common idea I’ve heard, especially amongst my fellow Gen-Z crowd, is that we need to focus more on “protecting our peace” and “saying no” to the right things. I completely understand where we are coming from and agree to a certain extent — you shouldn’t consistently do things that drain your energy just because you feel like you must.

I would, however, counter that thought by arguing that sometimes the most rewarding experiences we can have come from saying yes to something seemingly difficult. For example — working out is hard. Running, lifting weights, playing sports, etc. all cost your body energy, but no one would disagree that the short-term energy cost is far outweighed by the long-term health benefits of exercising consistently. Building community works the same way.

Our small group of friends gets together weekly on Wednesday nights, and I can tell you with complete transparency that I, even as a strong extravert, rarely feel like going. Mid-week, end of the day, with my wife and I rushing to eat a quick dinner before heading out, it often feels like a massive inconvenience to carve out an entire evening like this every single week. However, I have never left a friend’s house on Wednesday night feeling like my time was wasted. Sometimes our conversations are about sports, and sometimes we’re praying over someone who is going through an incredibly painful time. Regardless, I always leave feeling closer to those eight people than I did the day before.

It reminds me of Jesus’ words to His disciples in John 13:34-35

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

So, I want to challenge you to be a better villager. Show up for someone this week. Reach out, set up coffee, take someone a meal, visit someone unexpectedly, or just let someone know you’re praying for them. With a little effort, I can promise you the results will be worth it.