Mentoring that Usually Won’t Work Well with Today’s Young People

I hope this series of articles on mentoring has challenged you, especially if you’re an older believer who needs to find a mentee—or who has seldom read much about mentoring in the first place. I’ve written in a previous post that young people really want an older mentor, but the type of mentor and mentoring they’re seeking matters much to them. At least based on my experience, here’s what often doesn’t work: 

1. Superficial discussions. This generation isn’t interested in surface-level conversations. They want to get deep; in fact, they sometimes go deeper than mentors are ready to handle. They’ll make any comment, ask any question, and express any conclusion even if it might be difficult to hear. Someone who remains unwilling to engage young people in deeper theological thinking likely won’t have mentees for very long.

   
   

2. Structured meetings. They’re not opposed to structure, but they don’t want mentoring that reduces them to a project to be “completed.” They’re individual people with individual issues and individual dreams and goals. Anything so structured that it does not reach them where they are likely won’t be very effective. A structured meeting should only a means to an end—not the end itself.  

   
   

3. Inconsistent times together. Again, they’re not always looking for a weekly, one-hour session, but nor do they want to wonder when they’ll hear from their mentor again. Consistency matters to them, especially because many other adults in their lives have been inconsistent. I encourage you to hang out with these young people at least every other week, and strive to prioritize that time. Even just a few minutes of intentional time together sends the signal to them, “I’ve been thinking about how I might best walk with you.”  

   
   

4. Watered-down theological discussions. Not every young person is gung-ho for theology, but this generation is much more interested in this topic than my generation ever was. Their heroes are often well-known theologians and preachers, even if the young people don’t feel called to ministry. They often read widely, digest deeply, and ask questions recurrently. A good mentor, then, will be prepared to tackle these discussions. 

   
   

5. No life-on-life experiences. These young leaders are okay with discussions, Q & A times, and one-on-one conversations, but they also want somebody to walk with them through life. They want to see models of Christian living, godly marriages, and wise parenting—and that can happen only with life-on-life time. I jokingly tell others that today’s young generation is willing to “move in your basement” if you’re willing to invest in them.  

   
   

6. Shallow vulnerability. Mentors have to be careful at times in being vulnerable with this generation (because they sometimes aren’t wise in what they share with others), but young people often see through false, simple, insincere vulnerability. They’re looking for deep authenticity in the people who walk with them—and they can usually tell when someone is less than honest with them. 

   
   

7. Cultural Christianity. They’ve seen what cultural Christianity looks like, and they don’t want any part of it. To be Christian means much more to them than carrying the title because it’s the expected thing to do. If they wrestle with anything related to this topic, in fact, it’s that they can be so critical toward cultural Christians that they sometimes inadvertently close doors to folks who need to hear their warnings against it.  

   
   

8. Denominational posturing. I’m a denominational employee who still believes in my denomination (the Southern Baptist Convention), but the young people I work with don’t always carry that loyalty or interest. They’re willing to partner, but they don’t have much patience with ineffectiveness or inefficiency. They see little reason to lean on older believers who are intentionally climbing the ladder to popularity and prestige. 

   
   

9. Lifestyle hypocrisy. We may not always agree about what are the wisest choices, but this generation longs to see men and women who truly walk with God. They want to see what genuine faith looks like. They want hope that they can serve God faithfully to the end of their journey, and older, faithful, persevering believers become a source of that hope. Young people may struggle with their own hypocrisy at times, but they don’t want to see it in others they respect.  

   
   

10. Intrusion syndrome. That’s a term I use to describe when a mentee feels like he or she is only an intrusion on a mentor’s world. If young people feel like they’ve become a burden to their mentors, like their mentor is indifferent to them, or that their mentor has little spare time to invest in them, they often lead toward, “I just don’t want to bother them. I don’t want to intrude on them when so many others need time with them, too.” Perceived intrusion too often then leads to risky isolation.  

    
    

These issues reflect one of the real issues we face when we who are older get to mentor young people: we are mentoring people of another generation. We know that truth intellectually, but we often fail to recognize just how decidedly different we are from the people we mentor.  

The young people I’m privileged to invest in surely think differently than I do. I think Atari video games, and they think cell phone with apps and internet. I think private confession (that is, to confess my sins to only one person), but today’s young people are quite willing to invite many others in their “confession booth” as they openly talk about their sin. I speak English, and they do, too—but we use different definitions for the same words.  

Consequently, I can best mentor young people only after I’ve spent time with them and have gotten to know them. I need to know what works and what usually doesn’t work should I choose to invest in them. I pray that what I’ve learned over the years will help you, too.