Dealing with disagreements: How to handle conflict Jesus’ way

Controversy sells. Conflict sells. Polarization sells.

This morning, I opened my phone, and the first thing I saw on my screen was an Apple News notification. It was a headline about some new political controversy taking place. A quick read through the article, and it was clear that this article mirrored what I have seen for a long time now: two schools of thought diametrically opposed both thinking the other group was out of their mind for believing what they did.

It’s no secret that polarization has permeated the fabric of our society, but underneath that polarization is something far scarier: hate.

See, today we are taught by example that if someone disagrees with us, then we should hate that person, or even worse, dismiss their value to us as a fellow human being. Whether it be politics, parenting, or even something as trivial as sports, it is not a stretch to say that we are living in the most divided and polarized time in history.

The same reality is true of today’s local church. Denominational differences, theological disagreements, and even the church dress code has caused divisions among believers. My question is this: how can we expect to minister to the world as the church if we are just as polarized and divided as the world? The need has never been greater, yet the infighting within Christianity often distracts the Church from its true calling as a place of worship, edification, and evangelism. My pastor puts it this way: “A divided world needs a united Church.”

I’m not saying that we should never disagree with a brother or sister in Christ.

Disagreements and conflict can often be some of the most edifying and growing situations we can be a part of. We are not called to be “Christian doormats” and just blindly agree with everything. In fact, Jesus himself did not shy away from conflict and division but gave us roadmaps and examples for how to conduct ourselves in such a way that points back to our relationship with him.

So how do we handle disagreements and conflict in a way that honors God?

We are given several wonderful examples in Scripture regarding conflict resolution, most notably from the Apostle Paul’s letters and Jesus’ teachings found in the book of Matthew, chapter 18.

1.      Address it promptly.

In Matthew 18, Jesus instructs us to first approach our brother/sister in Christ and address the conflict head-on. I would recommend doing this promptly, so no negative feelings are allowed to fester. Whether it’s pulling someone to the side, grabbing a cup of coffee, or (if necessary) calling them on the phone, direct outreach to someone who you have a conflict or disagreement with shows that person you respect them enough to address it directly with them, rather than harboring ill-will, or worse, talking behind their back.

2.      Stay rooted in Scripture.

I’ll say this as plainly as I can: there are certain topics Scripture is so abundantly clear about, and other topics that live in a bit of a gray area where Scripture is not as explicit. We must always recognize the difference between principle and preference. Recognize that the difference in opinion may not be a disagreement based on a biblical principle, but simply a personal preference. For example — you may feel strongly that people should homeschool their kids vs. sending them to public schools. Yet, this is not something that Scripture gives any explicit guidance on — it’s a personal preference. Another major example was the COVID-19 vaccine in 2020. There were two very convicted camps on either side of the opinion as to whether one should get the vaccine or not. Both sides did their best to use Bible verses to prove their point, yet I will bet my Bible degree that Scripture does not offer crystal clear guidance on this issue either way.

3.      Show love through disagreement.

Ephesians 2: 10 tells us,  “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (NLT). Many translations here use the word “workmanship,”  but to me, “masterpiece” really conveys the sense that you and I, even if we disagree about something, are God’s works of art.

Sometimes, even when you address a disagreement with your brother or sister, you may still walk away feeling like you are still not on the same page. For example, when my wife and I were in pre-marital counseling, our counselor told us that “conflict resolution is impossible when one or both of you is trying to ‘win’ the conversation.” Where I see many of us go wrong is when we try to assert that we cannot still have a friendship or relationship with someone we disagree with simply based on that single disagreement. Nothing could be further from the truth or from God’s character. Jesus ate and spoke with sinners, tax collectors, prostitutes, and those who eventually betrayed, denied, and crucified him. Yet He loved them. He recognized them as the masterpieces they were.

Conflicts and disagreements are just a part of life. And learning how to handle conflict in a loving, God-honoring way is a life-long effort. And I’ll admit, I haven’t always been successful. One of my mentors used to say this quote all the time: “We often expect grace to be given to us in bucketfuls yet give it to others in spoonfuls.” That is so true, isn’t it? So my challenge for you this week, and for myself, is this: show Christ’s love to someone you disagree with in such a way that it reflects the amazing grace you have received through Him.