7 Cautions about Mentoring

I trust this series about mentoring has challenged you to invest your life in the lives of

others in such a way that both of you grow in Christ. In fact, I challenge you one more time to ask God in prayer to direct you toward someone you might mentor. Pray, and then keep your eyes open for someone you might invite to lunch, get to know, and walk beside as iron sharpening iron (Prov 27:17).

At the same time, I want to finish this series with some cautions to consider as you seek to mentor others. Every mentoring relationship is unique, and each one has the potential to be both positive and negative—but you can keep the focus where it needs to be if you keep these cautions in mind.

1.      In general, mentor only others of the same gender. 

I am not arguing here that there is never a time to teach something to someone of the opposite gender. The best mentoring, however, includes life-on-life discussions, honest confessions, and life application that best occur with someone of the same gender. Further, mentoring someone of the opposite gender carries the possibility of physical and emotional attraction that typically can lead unnecessarily to trouble.

2.      Beware of the possibility of co-dependence.

Co-dependence essentially means that both mentor and mentee so gain something emotionally from the mentoring relationship that it becomes unhealthy. The mentee finds security and purpose in the relationship, so he or she becomes emotionally dependent on the mentor. At the same time, the mentor so loves being needed and finds so much purpose and esteem in the relationship that he never wants to release the mentee to mentor others. In many cases, co-dependent mentors and mentees also have few other relationships because their mentoring relationship is primary.

3.      Be careful about “mentoring letdown.”

Here is an illustration of “mentoring letdown.” When you and your mentor or mentee begin meeting, both of you want to show your best front. You are careful to be godly in front of each other, being honest about your struggles but also confessing them and seeking to move beyond them. Your goal is to help each other grow in the Lord. Over the course of time, however, something changes. You let your guard down a bit. You tell that off-color joke you never would have told at the beginning of the relationship. You tolerate in each other what you would not have tolerated before; no longer do you push each other toward godliness like you once did. That’s letdown.

4.      Make sure you build in times of evaluation.

Not every mentoring relationship is an effective one. Sometimes the relational connection simply does not work. At other times, what starts out well loses its focus. There are other times when the mentee is not faithful to meetings, not willing to make changes in his or her life, or not interested in taking further steps toward growth. One way to try to avoid these issues is to build into the relationship set times of evaluation simply to assure that the mentoring relationship is on target. As a seminary professor, I have the benefit of an academic year that has natural times of evaluation at the end of each semester. I encourage mentors to think the same way: to ask every six months, “Is this mentoring relationship accomplishing our goals? If not, how might we adjust what we’re doing? Is it possible that I’m not the right mentor for this individual?” Such evaluation also gives the mentee an “out” if he simply wants to discontinue the relationship.

5.      Don’t forget to establish early the goal of “sending out” the mentee. 

As you start a mentoring relationship, set the goal for the mentee to begin investing in others soon and plan eventually to start mentoring others himself or herself. If the mentee knows from the beginning that the goal is to become a mentor, the goal of becoming a multiplying disciple of Jesus remains in the forefront and the likelihood of co-dependency developing is lessened. One way I strive to meet this end is to ask my mentees to teach someone else what they are learning each week; that is, their responsibility is to consider what we have worked on this week, think about how they might use the same content to teach someone else, and then actually do the teaching for someone in 10-15 minutes during the following week.

6.      Make sure praying together is a significant aspect of what you do.

I add this caution to the list because my experience is that this task is often a forgotten one in many mentoring relationships. It’s just too easy to talk to each other, discuss real issues, and challenge one another without praying much – or even, without praying at all. On the other hand, one responsibility of the Christian mentor is to help mentees grow in their spiritual disciplines by modeling the disciplines within the context of the mentoring relationship. In essence, praying together is an admission that both mentor and mentee need God at the center of everything they do.

7.      If you’re the mentor, be sure you continue growing yourself. 

If you stop growing, you will eventually have little to offer your mentees. Make sure you have your own “Paul” who invests in you and challenges you to keep growing in your own walk with the Lord. Deal with your own sin. Keep strengthening your own disciplines. Read the Word regularly. Make prayer part of your spiritual DNA. Fast with intentionality. Build healthy relationships with others. Seek forgiveness from others when necessary. Continually do self-assessment, asking the question, ”Where do I need to be stronger in my own Christian walk?” If you remain at least one step ahead of your mentees because you continue to grow, you will always have something to offer them.

Thank you for joining me in this series on mentoring. Now, take these teachings and invest in someone else!